Look Who's Back

She’s back? And she’s a mom?

So I saw in the news that Amy Fisher and her husband, Louis Bellara, have released an adult film. Of themselves. Not surprising, I guess, but what did surprise me was Mrs. Fisher-Bellara’s admission that it will be difficult to explain to her two children what she does and why she is famous.

Uh, ya think, Amy?

Call me sick, but I'm laughing at the image of Amy Fisher telling her kids that Mommy shot a woman in the face after sleeping with that woman's husband. Then she can tell them she's been to prison but has cleaned up her act and gotten into porn.

OK, that's cheap. She's done other stuff. Like...oh...um...oh! She was part of that historic Lingerie Bowl coin flip with the guy whose wife she shot after fu...,er, sleeping with him.

And she can tell them she did it -- maybe not "it" in the connubial sense, but probably that, too -- while wearing a T-shirt with the name of her lover's/attempted-murderous-feelings-inspirerer's auto shop on it.

So that's one impressive and not at all sleazy thing she can tell the kids.

I mean, it's not literally funny, the thought of her telling her kids, but, hahahahah, no, I lied; it is literally funny.

I try to think of ways she could do it.

Funny voice? Sock puppet? Pop-up book? She could take them to a park and hire a mime, that way she doesn't literally have to tell them. Problem solved.

But still, something seems wrong with this whole story. Wait a minute. Amy Fisher has kids? I didn't know she had kids. Amy Fisher has kids? What in the hell is Amy Fisher doing with kids? Is that legal?

I saw some writer, somewhere, decided to retire the. One. Word. Sentence. I haven't decided to do that.

Those. Kids. Are. Screwed.

The Fisher-Bellera family probably shouldn't plan on entertaining the kids' friends in their home much. Well, anything outside of orgies or gun shows, that is.

Kid: "Mom, can I stay at Amy Fisher's house tonight?"

Mom: "Go to your room. You're grounded."

Can't you imagine the looks on the faces of the other mommies when Amy Fisher strolls into the PTA meeting? Betcha the husbands will catch some serious dont-you-even-think-about-it-buddy vibes from their wives.

And who knows what kind of vibe the husbands will catch from Amy Fisher, but since it's a guy who's catching it, surely it's sexual.

The only way Amy Fisher's family life could be more out of the mainstream is if she and her husband married Tanya Harding in a outdoor Church of Satan ceremony on Feb. 29 at the Ground Zero memorial site and then tried to steal babies and raise them on a raw meat diet, all to be filmed for a Reality TV show on the Sundance Channel. Wait, I said out of the mainstream.

Another question: Aside from the lack of an actual dead body, which makes the crime seem more violent, duh, but really, how is she out now? She tried to kill somebody. Just because she screwed it up, does that mean she catches a break? How can doing something poorly be of benefit? Somehow that seems, well...not right. Every time I screw something up, it comes out worse. Like that haircut I tried to give myself in junior high.

I get that she was only 16 when that piece of crap Joey Buttafuoco (who looks suspiciously like Steven Segal (have you ever seen them in the same room?  Me neither.)) started having sex with her, and looking at that guy, it had to scar her. But shooting somebody in the face is some pretty hard core, gangsta stuff.

That's not a teen crashing a stolen car through a plate-glass window, drunk on wine. That's trying to off somebody.

Even a 16-year-old attempted murderess -- or, given her age, was she an attempted murderette? Whatever she was, she knew it was wrong.

Wait. Murderess? Is that uncool, the whole "-ess" thing? It seems kind of sexist. But anyway, the attempted murderer -- or should the emphasis be on attempted? OK, I lost my train of thought.

Well, I guess my point is, it's good to see Amy Fisher is piecing together a new life. Oh, and I can't wait to see how those kids turn out. Call me if you need a sitter, Mrs. Fisher-Bellera.

D.W. Norris is a freelance writer and Lolita fan from Carbondale, IL.

dwnorris77@hotmail.com