E-I-E-I-O

If you're like me -- and believe me, I hope you're not -- you've probably found yourself sitting around the house in your underwear, thinking, "Man, I sure would like to see some barnyard porn. Not actors dressed as animals; I'm talking bestiality."

OK, I'm exaggerating. I don't sit around in my underwear. OK, that's a lie, too. But while I'm sitting in my boxers, I absolutely do not wonder about how to get my animal porn fix. I don't have to do that. All I have to do is go to my Hotmail account and it's right there for me.

You see, somehow I've landed on a spam list for animal porn.

Don't ask me how, because I really don't know. I guess I'm just a lucky ducky.

Look, I'm not going to lie and say I've never perused certain adult sites that wouldn't make it through a parental filth filter. I like randy entertainment as much as the next fat American male. But, really, I haven't ever had the desire to see an "actress" ply her trade with Mr. Ed.

But thanks to Mr. Darwin Lehman, and his provocatively titled e-mails, I could watch a clip of "extreme cat rape" if it struck my fancy. Luckily, it hasn't struck my fancy or any other part of me.

Call me a prude, but I didn't realize there were different levels of cat rape. Is there really a run-of-the-mill cat rape?

Besides, that cat was asking for it. Just look at how those filthy little beasts like to stick their butts up in the air and saunter around without a care in the world.

But I digress.

In the last week, I've received e-mails touting donkey shows, woman-on-horse action, and something that sounded unseemly and involved a bull. Not the Michael Jordan kind, but the Pamplona kind.

I must confess: Part of me wants to find our what I'm missing. I mean, extreme cat rape?

What, did the participants do the Dew before doing Mr. Doodles? Didn't Shaun White win gold in the extreme cat rape competition at this year's X Games?

I must also admit I appreciate Mr. Lehman for allowing me to view this sort of entertainment, if I so choose, while I'm away from the farm. I thought I was going to have to dip into my lottery winnings to travel somewhere such as Tijuana or Iowa to see an animal get down with a human.

You haven't heard? I won the U.K. National Lottery last week. I guess I'm pretty lucky considering I never entered the U.K. National Lottery.

Sure, I had to give out my bank account and social security number to collect my prize, but the money should be arriving shortly, at least according to the numerous notifications sent to my Hotmail account.

It's a sick, sick world out there, kiddies. A world that gives new meaning to the phrase, "I'm just a squirrel trying to get a nut."

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a video date with that bitch, Lassie.

D.W. Norris is a freelance writer and animal porn enthusiast living in Carbondale, IL.